Living with epilepsy was always like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I might feel fine when I woke in the morning, but never could predict when or where the next seizure would happen. I felt like there was an ever-present storm cloud on my radar, darkening my mind with “what-ifs” and “where will I be when it hits?”
Look at my journal from April 2005, when I was working as a personal trainer:
“I’m troubled and scared with seizures popping up at very bad moments. Last week, it was the first session I had with a sweet lady about 60 years old, finishing up standing at the front desk area when I felt that aura coming over me. Oooh, the sick, twisted stomach and deja-vu. Will it pass? I wondered.
Next thing I know my pants are all damp. And I know it’s not water. Coming back to my right mind, I realized what happened, and while the client is getting her receipt I clumsily grab some tissues and try to nonchalantly soak it up. As if it was totally normal. I was mortified! When I gathered my thoughts I explained my situation to this lady, hoping I hadn’t freaked her out. She was sweet and gave me a big hug, & I’ll see her again, but oh I wanted to die!
“Where are you, Lord? What is this supposed to teach me? I had one last night at dinner and another this morning…the helpless feeling of NO CONTROL is so disturbing.”
Friends, I wish I could say this was a one-time occurrence, but it happened repeatedly. Why share it now? For a long time I wanted to bury it, finding the memories unbearable. I couldn’t stand to replay them, much less speak them aloud.
But as time went on, I came to a new perspective. I learned not to be ashamed of something I couldn’t control, and I could acknowledge the struggle without re-living it.
And perhaps most importantly, recalling the turmoil I lived through gives me such gratitude for what I have now, and a real understanding of how it feels to live with a chronic condition. The old story of two footprints in the sand rings true for me… and it is only looking back that I see how I was carried, by the only One who could shoulder the load.
I am so glad that those days are behind us!! You deserve the freedom you now have.
I couldn’t imagine being married to anyone else babe! I love you.
Dear, dear Zanna. You have become such an important part of my life. I love love love you, and I thank God for introducing us. I'm so proud for what you've overcome, what you've accomplished, and how many goals you've reached. Keep going, my friend. You've got a lot of devoted supporters who are walking alongside you all the way. Blessings to you, Rachel, and Wayne.
Fran, your friendship blesses me more than you know!
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